I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
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