I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
