genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
