didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize