Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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