If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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