i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
