If that was your dad, he is hot
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
