You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
So vagazzling was a success
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
