someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
