My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Randomize