i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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