Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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