I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
