The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
