my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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