Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
