why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize