What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
