last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
