fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
