i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
