you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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