You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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