if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Floor bacon is actually really good
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
