He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
