Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize