ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize