If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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