I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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