what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
