I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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