I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
