If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
