I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
