well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
