I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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