my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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