I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
