i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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