well I can't set my house on fire every night
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
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