Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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