Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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