the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize