M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
