just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
