Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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