I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
