I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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