sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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