I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
