Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
