T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
