You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I love you.
Bad choice
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
