Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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