Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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