but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
