So drunk its hurt
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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