I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Randomize
