i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
I'm really busy with my period
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