I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
